Falcons: Unbreak my heart, say you love me again

Falcoholic

As one may gather from the above moniker I’ve assigned myself, I am an Atlanta Falcons fan/guru/supporter/sympathizer.  I’ve loved the team endlessly and undyingly since the Glanville days, well, even sooner, the Bartowski era.  I watched as Andre Rison’s house burned to the ground from the deceased Lisa “Left eye” Lopez’ hand.

MERRRRY Christmas, everybody!

Miller Genuine

A little holiday goodness for you to enjoy…

Update: While the Mitchell Report “I’m pissed!” video is golden, I meant to put up the “Holiday Musings” video.

I hate to break it to you, but nobody likes your girlfriend.

Miller High Life

FINALLY, someone close to the Tony Romo dating situation had the ‘nads to speak up about it. Wednesday, T.O. (Terrell Owens) let her know how he and the Dallas Cowboys players & fans feel about her. It’s pretty basic, Jessica…this means NOT WELCOME!

BIG Hat Tip to Shawn P. Keedy for the photoshop work.

Pro Football Pick ‘Em: Week 16

Carol from Miami + Miller Genuine

No recap this week — so here goes…

Big Carl: 5-3 last week! And, the Tuna is coming to Miami? Everything’s coming up Carl!

Miller Genuine: Wow, 2-6 last week — a far shout from my 7-1 the previous week. I think I’m psychically tied to Tony Romo (who had 3 INTs and 0 TDs in a loss to the Eagles last week), so let’s hope for a big game for him against the Panthers.

Madden Simulator: A pathetic 2-6

Don’t do it, Coach!

Carl from Miami

This morning, I was dismayed to read that Bill Parcells, one of the great leaders of our time, is seriously considering an offer from the Atlanta Falcons. The only thing the Falcons should be thinking about hiring is an undertaker, so someone can put that team where it needs to be–six feet under! Have you seen the trainwreck that happens on Sundays in Atlanta? Not to mention the city itself–I heard you had to drive sixty miles, just to get a drink of water.

Come to where it’s warm, Bill. Turn down those Falcons losers, and come to where the fans will truly appreciate you. Come to Miami.

Festivus wishes

Falcoholic

The following is a list of my wished upon Festivus miracles:

1. As the second guest on Last Call with Carson Daley, Eli Manning admits that Archie and Peyton taunted him as a child, told him that his full name was Elizabeth because he wasn’t masculine enough for a typical Manning name, and made fun of his dreams of becoming a veterinarian or Aquaman

2. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein report that “Deep Throat” (whom we later find out is a jealous and heartbroken Rex Grossman) informed the news cracking duo about the sultry trysts between Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, and that the Patriot couple experiments with Creme de Menthe blow-js in front of Teddy Bruschi

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Miller High Life

I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!  Tony Romo — don’t you go cheatin’ on me and the Dallas Cowboys with that no-brained blondie I seen you runnin’ round with.  I heard you even been doing a little public dipsy-doozy with that floozy.  And to top it all off, she shows up to one game and the Cowboys lose!  Baby, this is where I draw the line.  If you’re gonna cheat on me Monday-Saturday, you better be a stud on Sunday.  But don’t worry — your spot’s still warm with me.  Just come back home, baby.

Lemons are not sour today!

Falcoholic

Cleo Lemon, oh Cleo, I can’t believe you led the ‘Phins to victory today. You’re damn lucky that Ray Lewis got injured because he would have removed your head and been sucking the stump in anger. I really do understand why you and your goons were celebrating like it’s 1999. However, as Winona Ryder says in Heathers, “lick it up baby, lick it up.” The reason I say this is that I find another V unlikely for you all. Thus, enjoy the week and dip your fins into some tail immediately cause it won’t be there for long.

Mr. Blank: You are welcome to my shoulder

Falcoholic

Needless to say, this has been the worst week for a Falcons fan in the franchise’s history. Atlanta Falcons Owner Arthur Blank, looking as dapper and beautiful as ever, your face looks glum, as does mine. I truly am addicted to our beloved team. As for former Falcons Head Coach Bobby Petrino, well, I am speechless. Petrino, possibly one of the ugliest fellows I’ve seen on the television, is a fraud, chicken (or any other poultry item for that matter), a genuine loser. I’ve wanted him gone ever since I heard about his hiring.

Pro Football Pick ‘Em: Week 15

Carl from Miami + Miller Geniune

Miller Genuine: I beat you last week! Ra-ka-ka, it’s too REAL for ya, Carl! It’s too REAL for ya! Well, I hate to say it…I’m not even gonna give you a chance this week, because my picks are going to be perfect this week.

Big Carl: Perfectly terrible! Er, except for the ones that match mine. I guess that means your picks are only sometimes terrible.

We have also decided to add in a new game picker this week…the Madden 2008 video game! That’s right — ESPN simulates every week’s match-ups on the video game, Madden 2008. I hope this thing doesn’t humiliate us, but it will be fun to use as a comparison.